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Brutal Assault: Compilation (Open Air, vol. 13)

10/06/09 || Daemonomania

Since I never get to participate in Audio Autopsies due to my Amish belief that downloading is naught but wickedness, a compilation CD is the closest I can get. Like all samplers should this one came for free packaged with something I actually wanted. Still remember the good old days when a label comp was a really cool thing to have – allowing you to sample all sorts of shit from great bands you’d never heard? Over a decade and a trillion metal songs later, it is rare that I find myself going wacky tobaccy over something completely new to me from one of many “various artists.” Plus we got GuySpace now which doubly reduces the functionality of a mix disc. Then again, there’s always exceptions to the rule. Introduction over. Enjoy.

Septicflesh: “Lovecraft’s death.” There’s a lot of praise out there for these evil Greeks, but when I see the word “keyboard” some receptor must shut down in my brain. So imagine my surprise when the first wave of orchestrally ambitious keyboards washed over me and my gray matter registered pleasure? Yep, SF is pretty fucken terrific. Vomitous low growls, pummeling riffs, and those Casios working ovetime. Me likes. Just don’t tell them Lovecraft died of cancer. What they were going for: Morbid Angel’s “Hatework” on steroids. What they got: Success! 8/10

Textures: “Old days born anew.” There seem to be two textures to this piece of music, shit and shittier. Is it a good idea to mix clean vocals with hardcore-style tripe, atmospheric sections, more clean vocals that sound like Mike Patton after a rough night with Roddy Bottum, and then some third-rate Meshuggah riffs? Nein. What they were going for: Modern kitchen sink metal. What they got: An anus full of cocaine. In a bad way. 1/10

Ador Dorath: “Attitude gyroscope.” Nope, Jamie Lee Curtis is not frightened of the keyboards that serve as an intro. Sorry gang. Anyway, this is another “kitchen sink” attempt here chock full of black metal insanity, 88 plastic keys, and clean vocals probably sung by a big lady. Unlike Textures, though, these dudes seem edgy. As in you’d have to be totally nuts to listen to this shit all the time. Not my cup of teabag. What they were going for: Enya’s Satanic day at the circus. What I would get if I kept listening: A headache. 4/10

Cephalic Carnage: “Endless cycle of violence.” Hmmm, the Grind Factory are a lot more listenable than I remember them. I’ve purposely avoided CC for many years after being severely disappointed by their early stuff. Now it seems they’ve found a good balance of grind, death, and weird. Unfortunately only to be completely slaughtered by such bands as Coldworker or Misery Index. Kind of anonymous. But not bad. What they were going for: Death/grind. What they got: Much better at it. 6.5/10

Kataklysm: “Prevail.” Jeez, sell a few records and look what happens to you. Kittyjizzum sound like a parody of themselves. Bad lyrics, cheap store-brand knockoff riffs, it even seems the hyperblast has gone back North for the winter. What they were going for: Another Kataklysm song. What they got: Mo money, mo problems. 3/10

Mindwork: “Twisted priorities”. More metal stew created by chucking in chunks of whatever is popular at the moment. Again better than Textures, but using essentially the same elements. Meshuggah riffs and syncopation. Some whispering, thankfully paired with an actual (if boring) growl. Acoustic bits. This whole let’s review a compilation is starting to seem like a bad idea. What they were going for: Got me. What they’ve achieved: Another disposable track to be lost to the ages. 2.5/10

Behemoth: “Slaying the prophets ov isa”: Those prophets of Isa really had it coming! Well it is interesting to hear what the ‘moth is up to these days. Pretty brutal. Those 19-tracked vocals are still there, as is the bombast. Plus a little female vocal injection at the end. Certainly not the worst I’ve heard since I set about writing this epic, but nothing special for a band who showed a lot of potential. What they coulda been: A contenda. What they ended up: Above average. 7/10

Kruger: “Queen of the meadow.” While there are those that make music just for the fun of it, there must be bands out there just desperate to make a few bucks. And if you’re looking at the business end of it strategically, it makes perfect sense to combine elements of other successful bands in a new way to see if you hit paydirt. Have you heard of Kruger? No? Guess the strategy fails. What they were going for: Neurosis plus, gasp, Meshuggah. What they got: Somewhere between Fulloshits and Mehsugar. 4/10

Mayhem: “Anti.” Not being much of a black metal fan, I was expecting this one to be exceptionally horrific. But lo and behold it is not that bad. Certainly better than most of the bands on here. The maniac spoken vocals aren’t taking home any gold medals. But the extremely excellent growl into a slow and ominous stomping at 3:30 is quite spiffy. What I was expecting: Ear rapage. What I got: Ear rough sex with a phone number left on the cabinet. 6/10

Harmony Bay: “Zblunk.” Schizoid polka nonsense. Apparently these guys took my Skaborted idea seriously. One minute and three seconds of disjointed retardation that some Mr. Bungle fan is probably praising as high art right now. What they were going for: Sexy time. What they got: A mouse in the schramm. 0/10

Uprise: “Edition of vomits pt. II.” Would you believe that “Edition of vomits pt. I” is actually a twenty minute long track using traditional Hungarian instruments with lyrics that discuss the fate of the Ottoman Empire post WWI? You wouldn’t? Good for you. I was expecting grind and got a mix of grind and some uptempo, punky sounding riffs. What they were going for: A worthy successor to Edition I. What they got: Nothing I will ever buy. 3/10

Jig Ai: “Anaal forsage” and “Dick grapple.” Despite the hot cover of “Kitana orgy,” I am completely mystified as to why anyone would ever listen to this stuff. Two tracks, exactly the same length, of pig squeals, pitch-shifted grunts, and blastbeats. You know why the slower riffs sound good in grindcore? Cuz the rest of it is so shittake mushroom. What they were going for: Grappling a dick in order to enjoy some anal forceage. What they got: An impressive gape. 1/10

Soilwork: “Sworn to a great divide.” Having somehow never heard Soilwork before, my impressions of them turn out to be true. Slick, modern and worthless. What they are going for: Having a shoe named after them. What I’ll wish for them: Good luck. 3/10

The Berzerker: “Caught in the crossfire.” It appears that when they aren’t releasing awful lesbian cover songs The Berzerker is hard at work keeping Advil in business. This would actually be a bit more interesting if the percussion was just toned down a bit, but I doubt they’ll listen to me. What they were going for: A knife fight between Behemoth, Aphex Twin, and an alarm clock. What they got: A secret formula designed to spread migraines throughout a landlocked population.
4.5/10

Wayd: “Ghostwalk.” Don’t let a bad band name happen to you! Despite a poor choice in moniker Wayd’s World brings the concise death/grind well. You know you’re in trouble when you use a riff too much in a song under a minute and a half though. What they wanted to do: Drop fifteen pounds. As it turns out: They hopped on the scale and they wayd even more! Sorry. 5/10

Attack of Rage: “Grindpeace.” As opposed to what, an attack of serenity? Attack of relaxed indifference? The song’s called fucken “Grindpeace”. I think you can guess how it sounds and how I feel about it. What: Song. What, when?: Over. 2/10

Malignant Tumor: “We are the metal.” Oh, are you THE metal? I was wondering who that might be. Oh well, at least MT is not THE grind. But when you open with a Halford scream then do your best to sound like Motorhead for the next very repetitive several minutes you’re setting yourself up for failure. No one is ever going to manage to sound like Motorhead. Especially not this Malignant Tuna. What they were going for: The ace of spades. What they got: The two of diamonds. 2/10

The Locomotive: “Mr. g.” Overall boring metal that could be a throwaway nu Fear Factory track. If it isn’t short and shitty, it’s long and ennui inducing. What a fantastic sampler I’ve chosen. I wish I was at Open Air that year. What they were going for: An individual piece of music. And did they reach their goal: According to my speakers, yes, but barely. 3/10

Psychotic Despair: “Whisper of anal.” Ahh, this wine has a hint of lemon rind, peppery accents, and, and, just a HINT, yes, just a WHISPER, of anal. A delightful vintage. That ridiculousness aside, this sounds like Jig-Ai minus the former band’s wonderful tendency to keep the songs short. Their goal: Recognition, riches, applause. The result: Obscurity, poverty, mockery. 1/10

Tisic Let Od Raje: “Sea fever.” Did this sea fever take place, perhaps, on a Saturday night? Were the BeeGees involved? Anyway, standard issue Euro black metal drenched in keyboards with an odd turn into what just might be 80’s synthpop influences. For me, this is like making an omelette out of shit and sushi. Even the wise souls who put this disc together decided to just abruptly stop the song about midway through. What they were going for: The Human League has tea with Dark Funeral. What they got: A big “fuck you” from the Brutal Assault team. 3/10

Agnostic Front: “For my family.” What are these dudes doing on here? Since I live in NYC, it would be foolish of me to diss on Agnostic Front. That’s just asking for a beatdown in a back alley and a long lecture on RESPECT and STAYING STRONG and HARDCORE DANCING MOTHERFUCKERS. What they were going for: A soundtrack to practice pickin’ up change, kung fu kicks and windmilling in the mirror. What they got: A shout out from the Eastside crew to keep it real. 5/10

Esoteric: “Caucus of mind.” At last a good song. Certainly earned it. What I’d heard of Esoteric previously was marred by some shit effect on the vocals, but this track drops that and emerges as a winner. Starting out with a healthy dose of speed (for a doom band), things quickly devolve into an echoing spooky valley of dread. Where there are dark whispers of anal and attacks of rage at all times. I need to buy me this album ASAP. What they were going for: Doom. What they got: Doooooom. 8/10

So 23 goddamn tracks later and what have I learned? That I don’t particularly like grind or black metal, that Meshuggah influences are spreading like a malignant tumor, and that investments in Septicflesh and Esoteric are a good idea. Was it worth the suffering to attain this knowledge? Probably not.

Information
Released: uh, 2008?
Label: Gambrinus
Website: www.brutalassault.cz
Band
A bunch of people: vocals, bass, guitars, drums, irritating keyboards

Tracklist
01. Lovecraft’s Death
02. and a pile of feces for the most part until…
23. Caucus of Mind

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